Day 10

I somehow pushed a button on the iPad that deleted my entire post in progress.

Short version: I felt sick today, I was happy with the work some of the kids did, but I was still wrecked by the end of the day.

I am hoping for positive changes. Small adjustments in the physical space made me feel more creative…thinking I need to explore that further. I feel so weighed down when I enter the library. I remember how great it was at the beginning of this year to walk into the space with it arranged the way I wanted. I got a taste of that today – maybe my brain just needs a change of scenery.

Also, my two favorite kindergarteners came in for book exchange. One just enjoys the extra attention and talking about his books, but the other is really into getting something specific each time. She thinks really hard about what she liked about last week’s book, and we use that as a jumping off point. This week we went from Jan Brett’s The Gingerbread Baby to Amelia Bedelia, because she said she realized she’s not interested in books about animals, but she still likes stories that have something imaginary or silly about them. She’s clever enough to figure out the jokes in Amelia Bedelia, but they were challenging enough to make her feel clever too. We decided it would be super fun to take home and read to mom. Once she chose it, she started jumping and saying “I love it! I love it!”

I have these rare moments when I get to do what I think I should be doing – collaborating with teachers, acting as a consultant, helping kids one on one, creating displays and promotions – and it’s as if the potential to be happy in this job is peeking out from behind a haze of babysitting and shelving. They are sometimes so few and far between that I forget they happen at all.

I think blogging is one way to keep them in my sights. My schedule and responsibilities are what they are, but maybe by being conscious of when those moments happen and what conditions enable them, I can learn to make them more frequent.

And it should be noted, lest I seem like a generally miserable person, I feel that way almost all the time at BOCES. When I’m training, or writing course materials, or consulting, I feel a sort of energetic flow. Maybe it’s because I have so much freedom in how I divide my time and direct my energies, maybe it’s because I can interact with my students on an equal footing, maybe it’s because my ideas are valued and enabled. But as a trainer I am very content, and the contrast in how I feel on a BOCES day versus a school day is marked. I leave the school feeling disheartened, crushed and weary; I leave trainings feeling accomplished and proud. It could be the circumstances, it could be my experience level, or it might just be a matter of aptitude and fit, but I am so thankful I have the training as a component of my practice.

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