The good news is that I have been blogging. The bad news is that those blogs have yet to be edited, organized or posted. I’ve taken to dictating ideas to Siri during my commute, which feels like a great use of time but definitely results in blogs that need a lot of correction. So there are positive posts coming about the professional issues that have been on my mind lately (namely leadership and advocacy).
And I should preface this post by saying that in general I’ve been on top of the world for the past several months. I’ve been less in my head and more excited about getting out and living my life. Things are pretty spectacular right now, and I’ve pretty much been soaking it up and using my gratitude to propel me through the little setbacks that always come along. And I have no complaints there.
Tonight though, for the first time in a while, I felt like I could just let it all drop. I could stop trying to do everything and please everyone, and it wouldn’t matter. For a little while I felt my own insignificance.
It reminded me of just how far I’ve come – I used to feel that almost all the time. I entered graduate school with so little confidence. I didn’t know what I had to offer. Now I’ve learned that even if all I have to offer is showing up and helping fill in some gaps, it’s still needed. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do in order to feel that I’ve done enough to deserve feeling confident.
I’m contemplating several potential paths. I may not move on any of them in the immediate future, which means sticking in the current position of being overstretched and (I fear) ineffective at the school. This year is a significant improvement – I feel more in control due to smaller class sizes, knowing the kids and having 5 minutes between classes. But the tradeoff has been that I have less planning time, and the library is a mess. I know that this is probably a relatively short-term situation, but I still want to do quality work and have some kind of positive impact on the kids.
I promise, more positive and aspirational posts coming along! I always get a little depressed at the end of long weekends because I feel like I should have accomplished more. I certainly had a long list and all I really managed to get through was housework. So that may very well explain my current mood.