I updated in June?  Really?  That recently?

Okay, well, then I guess I can feel slightly less guilty about this post.

Mike has recommended that I spend more time in reflection, primarily because my brain is wrapped in layers of “shoulds” and worries and bullshit, and half the time I don’t even know my own thoughts.  By the time they become conscious they’ve already been filtered.  Good in the workplace, not so good in relationships and when talking to myself.

This blog isn’t really the place to parse out why I’ve built up so many walls, but I do think that I need a space to continue thinking about this field outside of the context of classes.  I try to enjoy classes, but I end up resenting classes.  I think honest reflection might be a way to hang on to some of the passion that brought me into this career.

In a week or two.  I finished IST612, and even though it was a really good course, I didn’t enjoy it much, which is a shame.  July was a packed, stressful month.  I do feel like I gained some skill in talking about literature and creating programs for a library, but I was just a ball of nerves the entire time.  Again, Mike asks me why, and I don’t really know why.  That’s just how it is?  He says that’s not a good enough answer so…reflection.  Why do I get so attached to my tasks, and why do I feel like I’m going to die until they’re finally done?  Why am I always convinced that I’m going to fail, when that has literally not ever happened?

Work is good at least.  I get stressed about that too, because I really do want to do a good job and make my coworkers happy.  Again, I have no realistic sense of whether I’m trying to do far too much or if I’m doing nothing at all.  The booksale is great because it looks pretty and I get a report at the end of every month – easy to assess.  The teen space terrifies me, because I don’t feel qualified to be doing the work I’m doing on it.  I got to attend a webinar, which ended up being more useful than I initially thought.  I had to do a writeup of the content of the webinar and boil it down to key points, and although it seems ridiculous to come away from an hour and a half long webinar with 4 action items, they are things that will be useful to us. 

I have my internship lined up for the fall, and again, while I’m excited about it and I feel like it’s going to be a fantastic experience, when I think about it I feel like I’m going to die.  I have to learn basic html over the next month, brainstorm lesson plans, and sketch out a library orientation scavenger hunt, among other things.  Again, excited, but terrified.

Anyway, I’m hoping to document my thoughts a little better as I go forward.  It’s tough to find time (I’m also training for a triathlon, btw) but I think that in terms of getting organized, focusing my thoughts and getting realistic about how my schoolwork is not going to cause me to spontaneously drop dead, it’s worth the time.


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